There is a man in my philosophy class who has been trying to get me to join him with on-line dating. Frankly, not being divorced a year yet I didn’t really see the need but, generally speaking, I’m always intrigued with trying something new.
Well, there was more to on-line dating than I had any idea. This guy, who is a redhead, so I’ll call him Ginger Grant, like the movie star from Gilligan’s Island. Plus that makes me, Maryann, and let’s face it, people want to play with Gingers, but they marry Maryanns. Plus Maryann could bake (as can I) and got arrested for pot so you know she’s fun!
The first step was photos and all the rules that go with them. It seems women do not like their images of men to be face forward and smiling. No, we are to look off camera, serious and, preferablely, pained. Our hands should be gesturing like I actually had something important to say. It’s that whole appeal to a bad boy thing going on.
Next you need a shot in a tie to show you are professional. It seems women like the idea of their bad boy having a day job.
Then there is a shot of you as part of group to show you have social skills and friends. This could be a dinner party scene, or dancing.
After photos comes PhotoShop.
Here Ginger had a field day on my body. First was the hair. Apparently I need to be an ash. I’m not sure what color ash is since all I can picture is a cigarette’s ash and that’s simply gray.
Then came my skin tone which is “all wrong”. Apparently, somewhere along the time line, my Gaelic vampire coloring is no longer considered attractive. Granted, I am pale. Honestly, it weren’t for body hair and clothing, I’d be completely translucent but not with PhotoShop to aid my Casper coloring!
Then I was told all the plastic surgery I needed on my face.
Next came my indented chest. That’s when your rib cage comes out father than your chest. It was a gift from my father I passed on to my children. Well, that got visually fixed.
It seems I need to lose 3 liters of fat in a liposuction. Since I was raised in a non-metric country, I’m not sure what a liter is other than soda and three of those can’t be good.
Luckily my clown sized feet weren’t in the photos!
Frankly, it was depressing to watch all your physical flaws picked apart and rearranged for hours on end. I don’t know how starlets do it but I totally get how you’ll never see a Goldie Hawn or Susan Sarandon in natural light.
Then came wardrobe because Ginger Grant is nothing without her wardrobe (recall all the clothes she had for a three hour tour?). It seems I’m lucky the fashion police don’t shoot me down like a dog every time I leave the house. Luckily I got photoshopped in new clothes to match my new skin and face.
I had real problems with the wardrobe required for the yoga shot (to show the man has spiritual depth). I’ve done yoga for 20 years and have never had a specific wardrobe for it. Suddenly I’m wearing biker pants that I’m pretty sure show more of Little Joe than if I was simply naked. But they were not near as tight as the shirt that fit like Victorian era corset that was, in fact, giving me both swooning and the vapors. Yes, it was like instantly losing 10 pounds. but in exchange for labored breathing.
Odd part was, this is what Ginger Grant wears under his regular clothes daily!
Lastly there are the on-line rules.
- Don’t chat with women who live more than an hour away from my town.
- Never answer requests on a night or weekend (you’re a busy man who is on other dates then).
- Never look at girls’ sites, they must pursue you.
Also I learned how to look at a woman’s photo if she did seek me out. It seems no one is more visually aware of themselves than a gal. For example, one woman that contacted me is photographed in the shade of a carport leaning against a car. She looks thin though sunglasses and shadows hid her face. Ginger’s point was she is married and wanted to protect herself if her man ever found the post being able to say “That’s not my car, or face.”
So I gave on-line dating a shot and I’ll give Ginger Grant kudos. I got at least 15 requests a day. Granted about 99% are women from cities quite far from San Miguel. I didn’t feel right ignoring them so I sent a standard response along the lines of “Your profile looks enchanting but, obviously, we live too far apart to date. Good luck closer to home.”
About 20% responded in like terms. However there was another 20% that stressed they could be in my town that weekend (by boat, plane or pogo stick) and proceeded to detail the things they wanted to do together. Perhaps that excites some men, and maybe because I raised a daughter, it did nothing for me. Well, that’s not true. It did make me wonder if they had ever seen a Tori Spelling TV movie since the idea of meeting a man on-line to then going to a stranger’s home in a strange town to be a potential murder victim is the plot to every one of her movies.
Eventually I found the on-line dating scene depressing so instead I have gone back to being real life me. Granted my skin tones are similar to Dracula’s, I don’t own any male girdles and have yet to figure out what ash colored hair even is but I kind of like me, and hopefully some woman who isn’t a potential murder victim will too!
By Joseph Toone
Joseph Toone is the Historical Society’s short-story award winning author of the SMA Secrets book series. All books in the series are Amazon bestsellers in Mexican Travel and Holidays. Toone is SMA’s expert and TripAdvisor’s top ranked historical tour guide telling the stories behind what we do in today’s SMA. Visit HistoryAndCultureWalkin